Here we go again...

OK...so I tested this morning to make sure I was not pregnant. Of course I was not. Despite any symptom I may have thought I felt in the past month or so....yeah it is a little crazy!...anyway.

So this means I am on Provera again. For those of you who don't know that drug....synthetic progesterone. It makes my body think that an egg has been released, not fertilized and then will bring on my period after I take it for about 7-10 days. I used to take it for 7 days, then they upped it to 10 and then to 12. After a particularly Psycho cycle I took myself back down to the 7 day cycle and it works out fine. I get my period and no one has to die in the process. Seriously!

This means that in a week or so I will be getting my period, then on day three I will start taking the ovulation drug. That one has few side effects that I really remember. I am however taking twice as much this cycle as I was last time I blogged. (sorry it has been so long by the way.) A few days after my period ends I will begin peeing on test strips to find out if I get a hormone surge predicting ovulation within 24-48 hours of the indicator. We then "get" to "try" to "make" baby number two. Then I get to wait with my insane mind for two to three weeks to see if I am pregnant or not.

Ok....so that was the clinical version, well mostly clinical. Here is how I really feel. Excited, scared, obsessed, longing, sad, frustrated, excited again, jealous of others, happy for others, grateful for Josey, ready for another baby, not ready for another baby, scared again, frustrated....yeah you get the point. It is such an up and down roller coaster. And I don't want to complain about it all the time because I am signing up for the "treatments". I did not however sign up for infertility. I did not sign up for PCOS. I did not sign up for the monthly disappointment of negative tests. I did not sign up for the guilt of not being able to give my husband a baby. I did not sign up for the roller coaster in general.

But we want another baby. And I am willing to try to a certain point to have one from my tummy. Genetics is not the issue, I want to be pregnant again. We could adopt, expensive but we could figure that out, we are not against the idea of a child not from our genes. But I want to be pregnant. I want to feel that life growing inside of me. I want to feel that baby kicking to get out or to say hi. I want to watch my belly grow and swell with the amazing miracle of life. I want that again. I think now that I know what that is I may want it even more than I did the first time. Pregnancy is not without its difficulties and discomforts. I won't even pretend to forget that nor will I deny that they exist but the good outweighs the bad overall I think.

I hope to begin to write here more often. The break that I took was mostly because I was trying to get through the holidays without thinking about "conception" too much. It seems though that EVERYONE is pregnant. I am happy for them all but EVERYONE is pregnant. This of course is not true but it seems that way. (if you are pregnant and I know you please realize I am happy for you!) I had a shower mid January for a friend, my best friend is pregnant with number 2, another friend with number one, My 19 year old niece is pregnant. A mom from play group is pregnant with number 2, it did not take them long to "make" this one. My hairdresser is pregnant. A friend called me the other day and said she had something to tell me but that she did not want to upset me....I totally thought she was going to tell me that she was pregnant too. She isn't by the way. :) It just seems like everywhere I turn there are pregnant ladies. I hope that they have a happy and healthy nine months I really do but I want to be them. And not in some scary, weird way...I just want that again.

SO....like I said in the title....Here we go again. I hope that this time I can handle things better and deal with it better and honestly...I hope for a faster positive pregnancy test. Until then I will count my blessings and remember that life is what I make it and I can make it good or I can make it bad...today I choose to make it good.