What can you say?

I am pretty tired and so will probably be keeping this short tonight. I just had a few thoughts that I wanted to get off my chest.

One of the main complaints I hear, and say myself, is that no one says the right thing to us when we are going through infertility. I believe this to be true but also think that this is because no one really knows what to say. Unfortunately in that situation we should just keep our mouths shut right? But no. People say "Get a puppy.", or "Take a vacation." or any of the other absurd and ridiculous things that come out of peoples mouths.

Recently I had a friend who suffered a miscarriage. It was an early miscarriage and blessedly did not need any procedures. Basically the body took care of itself and when she had an ultrasound found that nothing more needed to be done. When my friend called to tell me she was spotting and she feared what was happening I found myself being placed in that position of not knowing what to say. I have had a miscarriage. I was about as far along as she was too. And I know without a doubt that there was nothing that anyone could have said to make that any easier. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I felt empty and sad and angry and frustrated and irritated about being another statistic and there was nothing anyone could have said to change that. and really.....what can you say?

I listened when she called to tell me about it. I cried with her and shared some of my experience while being careful not to take away from her own. I told her that I was there for her whenever she needed and told her not to be surprised if she got blindsided in a day, week or even a month and overwhelmed with sadness again. I told her to be gentle with herself. When we got off the phone I decided that I would make her a package of some chocolate, won't solve anything but still tastes good!, and leave it for her. I did just that. Bought some Hershey Hugs and Kisses and other goodies, placed them in a gift bag and then just left the package on her doorstep with a card. Since I was unable to find a card that said "Sometimes life just sucks!" I settled for a similar sentiment stating something like, you and I both know that sometimes things just happen for no good reason. The card ended with the exclamation that I was there for her. She called later to thank me.

She is doing well this week and seems to be alright. I continue to remind her gently though that she may again get sad and to expect that this may happen. There is not a July that goes by since my miscarriage that I don't think about that baby and my excitement then sadness, and not an April either because that is when that baby would have been due. Ironically our little gift from God was conceived around the time the lost baby would have been born so I have that to remember also. I continue to tell her to be gentle with herself.

I think that tonight I will close with that. To all of you who are on that journey to find the rest of your family. To all of you mourning a loss. To all of you who just got blood results back stating that this months cycle did not work, or even those whose cycles did and you are now carrying your miracle. To those of you who have decided to make a child yours in heart and love if not through biology. And to all of you are childless and coming to terms with that and deciding that just may be for you.....BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELVES. I think that is the best thing we can do for ourselves. and be gentle with each other too.