IT IS NOT UP TO ME!

Just a warning....this post contains talk of(dramatic pause and drum roll) SEX.

ok....so my husband and I enjoy our intimate time with each other but these sessions can be few and far between. With a two year old around our alone time is limited anyway and we often take the time after she goes to bed to catch up or spend time together. This time does not always include sex. This is just our deal. We are happy with it and it works for us. So conceiving sometimes puts a lot of pressure on us to make sure we "do it" at the right times. It is a little frustrating for us actually and sometimes hard to try to "romance" it up since we both know what the deal is...but whatever. We really don't mind it.

The funny story about all this is this.....ok. We had a really bad ice/snow storm this weekend. What a perfect time to work on our project together. I got up on Sunday morning and tested for ovulation and got a positive test. We "took care of business" during our 2 years olds nap time. This ended up being a good thing, so we thought, because his brother and sister in law called and wanted to stay with us since they had no power.(ironically enough they did not end up staying with us.) I told him it was a good thing we had taken advantage of nap time...he laughed and said it was good for them too because he was afraid I would have said no to them staying if we had not had that time earlier. Ha ha...so I get a little obsessive about hitting the "mark". Who does not in this situation?

Ok so I am driving around today running errands and I all of a sudden remember what it is about this whole thing that I had forgotten....the idea that if we introduce the sperm to the the egg around the assumed time that the egg is appearing we will get pregnant. I forget that there are so many other factors and my mind just automatically thinks it will happen. Like I will tell myself not to get excited, not to think it can happen, to prepare for the negative but I know in the back of my mind is this little voice saying, "How can I not get pregnant? We timed everything right. Cervical fluid was good. I know I ovulated. We took care of all the bases. How could I not get pregnant?" This is where I have to remind myself that no matter how well we "plan things" IT IS NOT UP TO ME. I am not the one calling the shots here. I am just hoping that it is in the cards for us if you will. That it is Gods plan that we get pregnant. I know that I have to have faith and that all the planning and timing in the world does not matter. I know this but I still want to believe that it will be different maybe. I don't know.

I just have a hard time letting it go. Just reading the test stick, having some fun with my husband, and then seeing what happens. Trying to remember that it is not the journey but the destination. UGH! That is so hard because I want what I want at the end of that road. But what if that is not what I am supposed to get?

I will continue to remind myself that it is God's plan not mine and that it will be what it will be and hopefully I will not fall apart when/if the test is negative and we are not pregnant this month. We will try again and see what happens. Stay in today and enjoy that...I don't want to lose time again this time around.

That is all for now. I will be back sometime soon....counting my blessings until then!